Stallone Still Doesn’t know how the 3 Seashells Work

Sylvester Stallone giving props to the three seashells.

Sylvester Stallone is unarguably an ultimate action movie all-star. From Rambo to Cobra to Over the Top, he’s about as bankable as they come. Here at the UAMC, one of our all time favorites is Demolition Man (1993), which stars Stallone with Wesley Snipes and Sandra Bullock (and everyone’s favorite lil buddy Rob Schneider).

One mystery though has plagued fans of the flick for years… What are the three seashells and how do they actually assist with taking a dump? Ultimate Action Movie scholars have long pondered their actual role in the defecation process. And now we present our top three theories.

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1) It’s a Prank They Play on Everyone

3 Seashells Theory
Ha ha, jokes on you Sly!

Ha-ha. You just got unfrozen after 40 years and now you’re an easy target for pranks and jokes. Judging from Rob Schneider’s face punch-ability, this seems on brand for the guy.

Sandra Bullock and the rest of the crew also seem to enjoy Stallone’s confusion just a little bit too much, considering he is technically a criminal and trained in 1980s butt-kicking, I wouldn’t recommend messing with the guy too much.

So, mildly possible. Although probably too complex of a joke for those future knuckleheads to pull off.

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2) Some sort of bidet effect

3 Seashells Meme

This seems to be the consensus online. This would make sense as Stallone, a sensible man of his time would probably be just as confused with an actual bidet – much in the same way Crocodile Dundee was confounded.

However this still leaves many questions. If it is indeed some sort of spray, where does the water come from and how are three identical shells useful? If the future people are so advanced, why don’t they just use bidet technology that has already existed for hundreds of years.

More likely than a joke, but not quite reasonable enough to hold water.

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3) People Don’t Poop in the Future

Finally, what if we told you that the three seashells aren’t the real mystery here? What if they’re really just more of a distraction from the horrifying truth? What if we told you that, in the future, people just simply don’t poop?

Think about it, Demolition Man is a movie that takes its future-self not too seriously. It’s not a dystopian mess that most sci-fi flicks are quick to create. It’s cleverly thought out and features some other odd elements that would make something like this possible.

  1. They don’t have sex. When Stallone tries to cozy up to future-Sandra Bullock, she gets excited and puts on her intercourse helmet before explaining to him that due to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases the exchange of bodily fluids is strictly taboo. They’ve moved past the good ol’ fashioned American way and into a weird new, cleaner and safer space. Why not do the same with pooping?
  2. Taco Bell is fine dining. Perhaps the one element people always seem to remember about Demolition Man (besides that Wesley Snipes is just quite simply one of the most ultimate bad guys of all time), is the odd fact that Taco Bell has won the “franchise wars” and is now considered high dining. It doesn’t state that the food quality is any better, it’s still a fresh-mex concoction that undoubtedly would wreak havoc on the general population as their favorite dish. How would this be possible if the painful act of Taco Bell-induced purging had not been removed? If pooping is indeed bypassed in the future, Taco Bell could easily be seen as the meal of choice.

So, those are our theories here at the Ultimate Action Movie Club. Would love to hear yours. How do you think the three seashells work? Let us know in the comments or on our Facebook page!

5 COMMENTS

  1. The 3 seashells are obviously a perfected type of bidet function. 1st Seashell would deliver a soapy water spray to clean. (There’s a flexible stainless steel hose attached to all 3 seashells.) 2nd Seashell is a water with skin conditioner rinse, and 3rd Seashell delivers a strong stream of mildly warm air to blow dry with. There’s a spray nossle with button press under each seashell in order to operate them. The addition of a simple stainless steel sprayer attached to a flexible stainless steel hose to spray cold water from the incoming cold water supply would be a perfect addition to all toilets for cleanliness, whether public toilets or at home. You’d think all true life forms would want to spray clean water on their bottom after going to the bathroom, especially after no. 2! There’s no way to be clean with just toilet paper. If those running things really want to remove 90% of the population, start with those who answer no to the question: Would you like to have a beautiful, self-retracting stainless steal hose and sprayer to be able to spray their bottom with after no. 2? All those who say YES are keepers. Those who answer no are not intelligent enough to be considered true life forms. You really need something to clean off the seat at a public restroom, so having paper and soapy water or some kind of cleaner or ultra violet when the lid is closed is a nice idea. But just the cold water sprayer would suffice — not having that in all bathrooms everywhere is below cave man dumb.

  2. How can they theorize that [a] they all eat at Taco Bell, the one surviving junk food vendor AND [b] they don’t poop anymore? Surely those two statements are mutually exclusive, LOL? Maybe the first “shell” teleports liquid waste, the second one teleports “solid waste” and the third one is ONLY for women’s time of the month?

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