Welcome to Los Angeles. It’s 1989 and a mad basher is picking up hookers and killing them in cheap hotel rooms. The streets are dirty, the drugs are flowing in from across the border, and justice has a name – Ian “Shotgun” Jones.
This is Shotgun, the PM Entertainment direct-to-video action masterpiece that follows the exploits of a lanky white cop (played by Stuart Chapin) with a penchant for firearms and dispelling his own brand of violent justice.
With a partner dynamic lifted directly from the pages of Lethal Weapon, and one-one-hundred-fiftieth the budget, Shotgun is the epitome of low-budget action films. But while it has all the trappings of any super-cheap production – clunky dialogue, reused sets and locations, unsatisfyingly bizarre story arcs and one cop cliché after another – Shotgun works on a level that many micro-budget movies can only dream of.
He used to carry a badge, now he carries a shotgun
While many cops deal with the seedy underbelly of society, Ian Jones has a complicated relationship with it. His sister is a call girl, and he and his partner Max (played by Rif Hutton, who went on to star as Dr. Ron Welch in Doogie Howser, M.D.) are familiar with the prostitutes on their beat. When they start showing up in disgusting hotel rooms beaten to death, Ian and Max take it personally.
But, as they’re chasing down the perps, internal affairs division is hot to bust Jones for police brutality and boot him off the force. IAD eventually gets their wish, and Jones becomes a shotgun-toting bounty hunter (he prefers skip tracer) allowing him to continue his pursuit of the man behind the killings.
Hot on the killer’s tail, Jones takes a tank down to Mexico for one final epic desert standoff – completed with people on fire, explosions, grandiose gunplay and justice dispersed with a shotgun.
The man behind the gun
Stuart Chapin was an unlikely star. With basically no acting credits to his name, the long-limbed, red-haired Chapin really wasn’t an actor. He was a writer who moved out to California when his script got some attention. Working as a word processor for a large law firm when his girlfriend at the time, who was an actress, dared him to go on an audition. He auditioned for a different PM Entertainment movie and was subsequently cast in the lead of Shotgun.
“I wasn’t out to be an actor, as you can tell,” Chapin said in an interview with ‘80s Picture House. “I went out for the first audition, it was at PM Entertainment, which was just some office block in Sun Valley. They gave me a script for a J. Jonah Jameson type and I just tore into it. Chomped my imaginary stogie. And they came back and said, ‘we cast that part differently, but we want you for Ian “Shotgun” Jones.’ I came back and got the script, and it was the lead.”
Chapin said the movie was shot in 10 days for $100,000 – no permits, no union performers, no costumes, (he had to wear his own clothes), no green room. He made $100 a day. They went through 20 pages of script a day, shooting at least 12 hours a day. There were no second takes. Good for picture, good for sound, moving on.
All the while, Chapin knew what he was making.
“This is a Lethal Weapon rip off. Actually, it’s a Mel Gibson rip off.” He said. “We start off with Lethal Weapon and we end with Mad Max.”
Chapin auditioned for a few other things after Shotgun, but he didn’t have the drive to continue his acting career. He did work as a specialty extra, including as a swordfighter in Hook (1991). He wrote and directed the horror comedy Deadlock (1997) and played a couple of roles in the web series The Hunted – a project by his brother, visual effects artist Robert Chapin. He eventually left California and became a public school creative writing teacher.
The Legend of Shotgun Jones
Shotgun never hit American theaters. PM Entertainment presold it to the Bolivian market – making it immediately profitable. It was released in the U.S. and the rest of the world directly to video stores with very little promotion and a video box featuring a voluptuous blond who wasn’t even in the movie. Like most PM Entertainment movies, viewers had to discover it by accident.
Saying Shotgun has a cult following would be generous. Even the most hard-core video hound would have had a hard time finding a copy at their local video store – wedged somewhere between Shocker and Tango & Cash. But today there is an immense amount of appreciation for Shotgun.
There’s good reason for it. Despite its shortcomings, Shotgun is unbelievably watchable. From the guitar-heavy soundtrack to the over-the-top gunfights (and Chapin’s awesome sweater), it is the ultimate in cheap action movies.
Sadly, the last Stuart Chapin Day was the first one without Chapin. In the summer of 2016, Chapin lost his nine-year battle with colorectal cancer. But up until the end, he was tickled that Shotgun was still expanding its audience.
“I’ve got nothing but affection for this movie” Chapin said jokingly to ‘80s Picture House. “That, and, great embarrassment.”
Article by Eric LaRose – a Wisconsin-based connoisseur of action, horror and sci-fi movies from the ‘80s and ‘90s. A former journalist and podcaster, Eric wrote the ending to the Toxic Avenger Part 4, but the only person who will back up that claim is his wife.
Let us know what you what you think in the comments!
The very best of Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry franchise films!
Tough assignment, this one. The Dirty Harry franchise is my favorite action movie series. Why? Clint Eastwood, of course! The man redefines bad ass in these movies, and his charisma and “don’t give a damn” attitude puts other Hollywood tough guys to shame, even now.
I grew up on these flicks. When I was 8, I saw the first film on VHS, then the second, then the third, and then the fourth. I was lucky enough in 1989 to catch Clint Eastwood star in The Dead Pool on the big screen during its Australian theatrical run, and I LOVED IT!!
I’m expecting to catch hell for my rankings, as this beloved films series has created much debate among fans, and left-wing commies who consider the pics nothing more than an extended advert for fascism. The commies couldn’t be more wrong.
Harry’s second adventure is certainly bigger and more epic than the first, but it’s also far more complicated and preachy than it needs to be, and as a result, the pacing of the movie feels off, and at 124 minutes, is mercilessly long-winded.This time Harry is up against a gang of vigilante cops who will stop at nothing, and spare no one, in their quest to rid San Fran of crime. If civilians get in the way, it ain’t their problem.
Naturally, Harry is soon in their crosshairs and fighting for his life. While it’s interesting that despite his brutal tactics and take-no-prisoners attitude, Harry himself is against the vigilantes. They fight the crime, without compromise. He fights to protect the people and uphold the law, well, his version of the law.
There’s certainly some meaty stuff to this film, but by the time the conclusion comes around, it all ends rather drearily. Thankfully the film survives by the effortless charisma of Eastwood and his sterling supporting cast. The shooting range sequence ain’t half bad either!
Eastwood’s last appearance as gruff San Francisco inspector Harry Callahan came to be when Eastwood promised his long-standing homebase studio Warner Bros. a hit after they financed some personal films he wanted to make. Instead of phoning it in (not Clint’s style), he delivers a violent, albeit somewhat lighter, Harry adventure that passes comment on media manipulation and political correctness gone mad.
All of this occurs while Harry and his new Asian partner are chasing a serial killer, and fighting off murderous mobsters who want to bury Harry. It didn’t seem like much at the time, but the story is more relevant than ever now, and Clint easily slips back into the character with ease.
And there is some strange comfort from watching him blast the hell out of bad guys with his now legendary .44 magnum. Not as solid as some of the other entries, but still fun. And Lalo Schifrin’s music is an added bonus. Harry’s final one liner is a scream!
Back to the formula that worked so well, The Enforcer is more of a straight up cop vs. crims action/thriller. And a damn good one, and definitely the most accessible of the series. There’s a little bit of plot, involving Harry taking on some terrorists who wanna blow the hell out of his beloved city, but mostly the film is about Harry and his new partner, Kate Moore, played perfectly by Tyne Daly.
Moore somehow unlocks the softer side of Harry, and to our surprise, he lets her in. The two actors work well together, the direction is sharp and fast and there isn’t any dead points in the screenplay. The action sequences are brutal, like the opening liquor store robbery and climax on Alcatraz, and there’s also a brilliantly realized and shot foot chase over the rooftops of San Francisco that makes the most of the city’s stunning locations.
Funny but also moving, thrilling, and loaded with the requisite .44 magnum shootouts, The Enforcer is easily one of the best in the Callahan series. I frequently go back to it all the time. Regular series composer Schifrin was unavailable and was replaced with noted jazz composer Jerry Fielding, who’s score is, not surprisingly, jazzy and full of beat, and perfectly in tone with the mid 70’s culture of the film. All and all, a well-made and explosive effort in the franchise with another mega-star turn by Clint.
This is a tough one, and the end result was almost a tie. In Sudden Impact, Callahan is after a lone shooter, who is gunning down perverts all over San Fran and neighboring cities. He’s also got his hands full with some mobsters who blame Harry for their death of their beloved don. Harry did in fact cause him to have a heart attack at his daughter’s wedding, and the scene is definitely one of the pic’s highlights as it is humorless, and showcases Harry’s utter contempt for crime.
Unlike the other Harry films, this one has a little more on its mind – is murder a crime if the victims deserve it? Harry soon finds himself attracted to the vigilante shooter, played by his then real-life live-in love Sondra Locke, and he begins questioning his belief in the law. Eastwood brings Harry full circle as a cop sworn to uphold the law, to man who realize that the justice system has let down a victim. He knows he’ll have to abandon what he believes to make it right. Sudden Impactis an effective, and bold entry into the series, and even with all the story and nuances, it still manages to deliver the expected shootouts and violent thrills we’ve come to love from a Dirty Harry picture.
It’s got it all: Vile bad guys. Check. Cool music. Check. Excellent action scenes. Check.And the film has a great supporting turn from Locke, who is given a meaty role for a change. Incidentally, this is was the only Dirty Harry film that Eastwood chose to direct himself, maybe because of the story and potential for impact, and it’s the best looking film in the series by far. Well done, sir.
Renegade cops exacting their own brand of justice on criminals might seem like old hat these days, but back in 1971, it was unique, and when Dirty Harry arrived, it exploded across screens, introducing a new modern hero to audiences: San Francisco Inspector Harry Callahan. Already familiar with audiences from his spaghetti westerns and TV shows, Eastwood made the role his own, and ended up making himself a superstar in the process. The story is straight forward, a grizzled cop is after a homicidal killer who is gunning down innocents all over the city, but thanks to the earnest, and almost confronting style of the film, it seems fresh, scary and even worse, real.
Back in the day, Hollywood cops were well-dressed, well-spoken gents who wore fedoras and packed snub-nose .38 revolvers. Their methods of catching of the bad guys was straight forward, and legal. Harry is the polar opposite of these past law enforcers. Hard-boiled, bitter, angry, and packing a giant .44 magnum. Harry is no gentleman and he has his own rules. It was quite a culture shock to audiences back in 71 and the film still holds up to this day. Andrew Robinson must get a special shout at as the villain. He is so sick and repulsive that by the time the end of the films rolls around, we can’t wait for Harry to blow a giant hole in him.
Eastwood copped flack for his performance in the film, with many civil liberties groups, the press and commies labelling his character a fascist. Of course, he didn’t care, and went on to make four more of these hugely successful films, and thank God he did. Modern action cinema entered a new era when Dirty Harry premiered, and it’s safe to say we wouldn’t have gotten other classics actioners like Lethal Weapon and Die Hard had this film not come out. Eastwood introduced the “silent loner” hero with Harry, and other big stars like Stallone, Seagal and Norris soon followed his lead. Imagine if they hadn’t?
Dirty Harry was a one-of-a-kind movie that launched a whole new genre. The film is too well made and acted to be dismissed as popcorn entertainment, and that’s why it’s still awesome today. Anyone who hasn’t seen these film, needs to check ‘em out – now!!
From a small country town where not many films played, Kent Church grew up on a steady diet of Coca Cola, horror magazines and action movies on VHS. If the movie didn’t have Chuck Norris or Eastwood on the cover, he wasn’t interested. His one core belief: Arnold Schwarzenneger must be President!! And James Woods vice –President…
Retro CGI Send-up ‘Kung Fury’ is Set to Go Big Screen.
In case you missed it, some totally tubular dudes from Sweden brought us all back in time with their Kickstarter mega-hit Kung Fury, which was up until now, a fun, tongue-in-cheek, CGI-filled romp through 80s action flick nostalgia. However, a long planned feature length version looks to be finally on its way. Plus has a big name star already attached – no, not just David Hasselhoff. Although he is in it!
The Most Ultimate Crowdfunding Video of All Time
Way back in 2012, David Sandberg, a music video director slash 80s love child living in Sweden quit his day editing job and scraped together $5,000 to produce one of the most insane and ambitious send-ups to action movie cinema ever conceived. An initial kickstarter campaign was launched, which included a trailer with details about the balls-to-the-wall project, showcasing Sandberg’s creative CGI chops and spot on impersonation of 80s action movie cheese.
The project, which asked for $200,000 went on to raise over $600,000 and took the internet by storm. Expectations were high, but as promised, a stellar 30 minute version was completed and generally met with kick-in-the-face laud and approval.
David Hasselhoff Approved
There’s little reason to doubt Sandberg’s 80s action credibility, as one of his first calls on the heels of his kickstarter’s runaway success was to German pop sensation David Hasselhoff, who Sandberg watched as kid in Knight Rider. You can read about the phone call here, but Hasselhoff was quick to sign on and even provided the theme song for Kung Fury, which Sandberg returned the favor for by directing an equally insane music video for his track ‘True Survivor‘.
The Long Rumored Feature Length Version
For those curious, here is the 30-minute version of Kung Fury released free online.
Now six years since the original Kickstarter introduced Kung Fury to the world, the ultimate goal has always been a feature length version of the project. While the concept has been pretty quick to the punch as a short and funny send-up, a feature length version would need to find a way to take a one-joke pony and turn it into something that the greater public can get behind for a likely 90 minutes.
So, here at the Ultimate Action Movie Club, we’re officially stoked to see what Sandberg can put together for a feature length now that it’s been in progress for so long (and so successfully). Here’s predicting Fassbender isn’t the last big name star to sign on and definitely not the last we hear about David Sandberg and Kung Fury as part of a much needed ultimate action movie revival.
Article by Jourdan Aldredge – born in the golden year of action cinema (1987), Jourdan has been an ultimate action movie fan and avid VHS collector since high school. He is an original founding member of the Ultimate Action Movie Club and the Managing Editor of the blog.
What do you guys think of Kung Fury’s big addition? Let us know in the comments!
We ask you, the reader, to share your favorite cult classics.
Chances are, you’ve read or clicked on a listicle article recently. The internet is full of listicles, i.e., articles in the form of lists. Some folks accuse listicle writers as being lazy by banging out a “Top 5 of the Week” story in lieu of actual research.
Either feeling something was omitted from an article that should have been included or something actually in the article wasn’t to their liking, “Top 5” listicles invariably rub readers wrong, one way or another.
So today I’m changing that and putting the onus for content on you, dear reader.
Movies That Are So Bad, They’re Good
Imagine this: It’s Saturday night, your funds are low, and no amount of swiping will result in a date for the evening. So, you do what any red-blooded American male would do in this situation: you pop in an action movie! (What did you expect me to say?)
We all know which elements define a stellar action movie, but what constitutes a movie so bad it’s actually good? What things in a bad movie would elicit someone to actually want to share the experience with a buddy? Let’s explore this and delve a little deeper, shall we?
A low budget is probably the single most common denominator of all “so bad, it’s good” movies. With limited funds to spend on things like “writing,” “acting”, “directing,” “lighting” and “special effects,” filmmakers have to get creative throughout the course of a project. Acting gets wooden. Effects look cheap. The same people are used as extras in several different scenes. Boom mics appear from time to time during a film. You get the picture.
Introducing “Cult” Movies
Unbeknownst to the people struggling to laboriously get through these projects, something magical happens: they create a cult film beloved by scores of people devoted to a genre of movies who actually appreciate their efforts.
If I was in an elevator with any U.S. Senator, Congressman or Fortune 500 CEO, I wouldn’t have any idea who they were. But if Ted Prior — Mike Danton from 1987’s Deadly Prey himself — was there, you’d best believe I’d recognize him and shake his hand vigorously as I thanked him for creating a timeless masterpiece.
That’s the beauty of a “so bad, it’s good” film.
What Are Your Picks?
But rather than me creating a listicle for you readers, I want to read your entries to the genre. Which movies — regardless of whether they starred action superstars such as Sly, Arnold, JCVD, Seagal, Chuck, etc. or your average B-level actor — were so bad they were good? Which ones are so beloved and endearing to you that should anyone disagree with you, the result would be a full-on, spirited disagreement?
I’ve written this piece here to chew bubblegum and read your responses. And I’m all out of bubblegum.
Part Tony Manero, part Rocky Balboa, John Acquavita is a N.Y.-area transplant currently living in Ohio. He uses his “particular set of skills” to contribute to various websites covering 1980s-era action movies.
Let us know what you what you think in the comments!
The Rock (1996): PART 1 OF THE BEIGE VOLVO TRILOGY
At the 1996 Academy awards, Nicolas Cage was awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role for Leaving Las Vegas, cementing his status, at the time, as one of the best actors of our generation. Now, most actors would have parlayed that achievement into a series of Oscar bait movies. But no, not Nicolas Cage. Cage said “To hell with that, I want to be the greatest action hero ever!”
He had tried before. He starred in the 1990 action movie Firebirds aka “Great Value Top Gun, but with helicopters”. And it failed. But he persevered. And over the span of one year, he gave us three of the greatest action movies known to man, a series of movies that have become known to the world as: The Beige Volvo trilogy. Named for the reference/appearance of a beige Volvo in each movie, this series of movies took cinema fans by storm.
And while Stallone and Schwarzenegger were slumming it in movies like Cop Land and Batman & Robin, Cage was kicking all the ass in movie theaters around the globe. Probably why they did those movies. No ass left to kick. Cage kicked it all into outer space. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s us settle down, and start with Chapter one: The Rock(1996).
Nicolas Cage in The Rock (1996)
The Rockwas released on June 7th, 1996. It was produced by Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer (their final movie together, as Simpson passed away during production.) Also, this was the second film directed by Michael Bay, released a year after his debut, also for Simpson/Bruckheimer, Bad Boys. Yes, this was directed by Michael Bay, the cinematic apocalypse himself. But, and I say this with pure sincerity, this was a time where Bay was being touted as the next great action director. And it all came from this movie. The success of Bad Boys was attributed more to the pairing of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence than it was to Bay’s abilities as a director.
The Rock was where audiences and critics first took notice of him and declared “Hey… this guy is really good!”. Then two years later, he released Armageddon, and everybody declared “Well, maybe not.”. And you know, that’s kind of a shame. Because some of his movies have turned out to be almost unwatchable, his entire filmography is considered a joke. And good movies like this one, The Island, as well as 13 Hours, have become guilty by association. And that’s just not fair. Because this movie kicks so much ass! So enough background, let’s get into the juicy bits!
Stanley Not-so-Goodspeed
Cage plays Stanley Goodspeed (I’m not kidding), a meekish FBI agent who is recruited by the government when five star general Francis Hummel, played by acting great Ed Harris, seizes control of Alcatraz Island, along with 81 tourists, and declares that if a huge sum of money is not paid to the families of his fallen comrades that the government has neglected over the years, he will fire 15 missiles onto San Francisco that are loaded with a deadly poison gas.
Goodspeed, whose specialty is chemical weapons, is assigned to accompany a crack team of Navy SEALs to infiltrate the island so he can neutralize the poison gas within the missiles. Coming along is John Mason, played by Sean Connery, an imprisoned 60 year old former SAS agent who is tasked with leading them into the island undetected, as he is the only man to have ever successfully escaped Alcatraz. I guess the Clint Eastwood movie Escape from Alcatraz is non-canon in this universe.
Anyways, after things take a turn south, Goodspeed and Mason are the only ones left to stop Hummel and his squadron of badass commandos. Will this unlikely duo be able to band together to stop the missiles, take down the bad guys, and save the hostages? Does a bear s*** in the woods?
Great Characters and Story
The movie has truly great set pieces to go along with its compelling story. One of the many things I like about it is how every character’s motivation is clear and understood. Especially Hummel. Although he is the main villain of the movie, you completely understand where he is coming from. And even though his actions are excessive, you can somewhat sympathize with his position.
Connery’s Mason has been wrongfully imprisoned for over 20 years and just wants his life back, Goodspeed wants to keep his pregnant fiance safe, and Captains Frye & Darrow, played by Gregory Sporleder & Tony Todd, just wants their f***ing money. Everybody is thought out. And the performances are spot on. Harris. Connery. William Forsythe. John Spencer. Todd. And Cage. Oh Cage. How I love you. Cage plays the character of Stanley like a nerd who is kind of cool, but thinks he’s much cooler than he actually is, but in reality is a nervous wreck.
Nicolas Cage at his Nicolas Cageness
I could see this role in the original script being intended to have been played more straight and narrow, but that just wouldn’t do it for Cage.He wasn’t full throttle Cage in this, but his little “Cage-isms” seep through into the character of Stanley Goodspeed. For instance, Stanley is so meekish, that he doesn’t even curse. He’s shouts words and phrases like “Gee-whiz” and “A-hole” in place of profanity when he’s upset. And it works so well.
This is what I call “Smooth Jazz Cage”. As opposed to something like The Wicker Man or Ghost Rider, which is “Hard Rock Cage.” On the action side, most of the heavy action bits are handled by Connery, who I must admit hasn’t been this badass since his 007 days, but Cage gets to kick some ass. He’s shooting guns, punching bad guys, doing hero leaps in slow motion.
I guess because he’s more or less the sidekick, he was saddled with fewer things to do than Connery. But it’s still cool action stuff. Just think of this as a precursor to his role in– Oh. Wait. Let me stop myself right there. Must not mention THAT just yet…
Filled with Amazing Action
But I know, I know. What about the action?? Well… The Rock is filled to the brim with amazing action. Shootouts, fistfights, car chases, and sooo many explosions. S**** gets blown up real good in here. Just some of the most beautiful, humongous orange fireballs to ever grace a movie screen. And a lot of them in glorious slow motion. Any standout sequences? Well, take your pick. There are so many to choose from. The car chase through San Francisco, which in my opinion rivals the legendary one from Bullitt.
And any scene on Alcatraz. The washroom scene. The underground tunnel. The morgue, etc etc…This is action movie heaven. Everything expertly staged and choreographed. And this is the 90s, so no shaky cam, or quick cuts. Amazing static shots. Tight editing. All of it in perfect view. That’s how I want to see my action. Crisp, clean, and crystal clear. Bay was in fine, peak form when he directed this. Definitely the best one in his filmography, in my opinion.
Hanz Zimmer and Spoilers
And major points to Hans Zimmer for writing such a incredible score for this movie. Definitely one of my favorites scores from him. It perfectly captures the epicness of the proceedings. It was this score and the one from Crimson Tide that made Zimmer one of my favorite composers working today.Any nitpicks? Maybe two. 1. While I completely understand his stance, I’m don’t agree with the actions of Commander Anderson, played by Corporal Hicks himself, Michael Biehn.
SPOILER ALERT!!! As they’re trying to gain access into the prison, they unintentionally trigger a motion sensor, alerting Hummel and his team to their position. And when Hummel asks for him to peacefully surrender, Anderson defiantly rejects the notion. This confrontation unfortunately leads to the deaths of all the SEALs. If I can quote my uncle, who was in the military, Anderson is a “Proud Idiot”. A man who put his own pride before his men. He said that if he were in the same situation, he would have surrendered. Not out of fear, but for the safety of his team. END SPOILERS!!!
And 2. The stereotypical gay hairdresser. Although funny when it was first released, it is now seen as a sign of things to come from Bay, who has become synonymous with all things insensitive. But those are just minor quibbles.
When Blockbusters (and Nicolas Cage) Were Ultimate
So in closing, I truly think The Rock stands the test of time as a really great action blockbuster almost 22 years after its release. Man, 22 years ago. Heh. I remember when this movie came out, I was in Junior High School. And a bunch of us in school were declaring it the best action movie ever. I know what you’re thinking: We might have gotten a little carried away with that declaration.
But, even though I do admit it’s definitely not the greatest action movie ever, I still think its right up there with the best of them. And the first step of things to come from Cage on his quest to become the definitive action star of the 90s. It’s just amazing to recall. The same man who starred in movies like Moonstruck and Vampire’s Kiss went on to give us three of the best action movies the 90s had to offer. He became cooler than the other side of the pillow to me and my friends.
A Cage movie was an event after that. It had to be seen. No hesitations. I know that maybe hard to fathom these days, but Cage was the man back in my youth. I guess you just had to have been there. But… this is just scratching the surface. The tip of the iceberg. Because nothing could prepare us for the greatness of the next chapter in the explosive Beige Volvo saga. The end all, be all of 90s action cinema. Of course, I’m talking about… Con-Air! But that… is a tale for another time.
Article by The Cinema Drunkie – a cinematic alcoholic from the mean streets of Brooklyn, New York who spends his all of his free time getting drunk off the beauty of all things movie related… and vodka. You can check out his blog here. Let us know what you think about the article in the comments!
In 1988 Cannon Films would finally unleash a movie upon the world that had been sat on their shelves gathering dust for a couple of years.
The movie in question starred a young, thickly accented Belgian martial artist in his first leading role as well as a veteran, monosyllabic Chinese bodybuilder as the main villain and would be set within the walls of an inhospitable no man’s land ruled by gangsters and bootleggers.
That movie wasBloodsport. To say Cannon didn’t have faith in the movie would be an understatement, in fact, they came within weeks of scrapping it altogether until the movies young star, Jean-Claude Van Damme took it upon himself to re-edit the movie and coax the b-movie legends into releasing it.
Thankfully, for everyone involved, they did just that and by the end of 1988, Bloodsport had become the company’s most successful movie of the year and instantly propelled Van Damme to action movie stardom. Now, 30 years later we take a look back at the cult classic and discuss why, all these years later, it is still Jean-Claude Van Damme’s ultimate magnum opus.
I think most will agree that action movies get a bad rap when it comes to the acting stakes, so the fact that Bloodsport has a future Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe winner among its ranks certainly lends weight to its claim as being one of the best action movies ever. Forest Whitaker plays Rawlins, the rookie to Norman Burton’s grizzled Helmer as the bumbling taser wielding CID officers tasked with bringing Frank Dux back from Hong Kong.
As you can probably guess, this was a fairly early movie role for Whitaker coming at a time when he was transitioning from television work to films. Having spent most of the eighties appearing in walk on parts in shows such as Diff’rent Strokes and The Fall Guy, Whitaker’s career was on something on an upswing by the time he appeared in Bloodsport coming off the back of appearances in Hollywood smashes The Color of Money, Platoon and Good Morning, Vietnam.
His quality as an actor is evident throughout Bloodsport, displaying great comic timing and some brilliant slapstick moments as he and Helmer are foiled at every turn by Dux. Whitaker’s career would of course come on in leaps and bounds as the nineties hit and today he is considered one of Hollywood’s most respected actors, which makes it even more of a guilty pleasure seeing him chasing Van Damme through the streets of Hong Kong and cheering along with the rest of us at the movies climax.
A lot of actors could have played Rawlins as a stock heavy, but it took an actor of Whitaker’s quality to find the charm and humor in the role and in turn taking a generic character and making him a memorable one.
9. That soundtrack
Let’s face it, when it comes to soundtracks and scores, the eighties owns all other eras. The rise of the synth brought a whole new sound to movie soundtracks and they are used to full effect all over Bloodsport by composer Paul Hertzog.
He manages to capture the mood of the movie perfectly throughout ranging from dark mysterious pieces to far more airy and light themes during the movies reflective moments. Okay, that might sound all a bit arthouse-y, but I dare you to listen to the soundtrack and not be transported back to Hong Kong in the late eighties, he really does smash it here.
However, I think for most the highlights probably come with the three signature tracks, Steal the Night by Michael Bishop and Stan Bush’sFight to Survive and On My Own. All three are perfect slices of eighties power pop and will have you singing along after just one viewing and let’s face it, when a basically unknown song (let alone three) can do that, you’re onto a winner.
Hertzog would also return the following year to score Van Damme’s Kickboxer as well as Breathing Fire in 1991 starring none other than Bolo Yeung giving him a long lasting legacy for Bloodsport fans and actors alike.
Ken Siu’s acting career was something of a flash in the pan, lasting just four years over the course of five movies but in Bloodsport he stands out as one of the most memorable characters by far.
As the fast talking bespectacled Victor Lin he acts as the interpreter and guide to Frank Dux and Ray Jackson in Hong Kong and is the man who helps get Dux into the Kumite, admonishing officials with the line ‘what’s the difference if Bruce Springsteen is his shidoshi?‘ when they question Dux’s training. Throughout the movie he pops up with pieces of sage advice and at times, savage sarcasm making him highlight every time he’s on screen.
However, it was off screen that Siu’s career was far more prolific as a director, assistant director and writer in his own right and we find him pulling double duty here too as the assistant to another legendary assistant director, Newt Arnold in one of the latter’s few directorial roles.
Siu continued to have a long running career as an assistant throughout the nineties and well into the 21st century working alongside Van Damme again in the following years with Kickboxer and in a number of Hong Kong movies as well as Rush Hour alongside Jackie Chan. But it’s a Victor Lin that Bloodsport fans will remember him best with I’m sure many agreeing that it’s a crying shame that we don’t have enough of him committed to tape.
7. The Coolest Fighters
I think sometimes martial arts movies can be guilty of being a little generic when it comes to presenting opponents, not Bloodsport though. Sure, there’s a quite few Bruce Lee-alikes here (it is set in Hong Kong after all), but among them are some of the coolest and most memorable fighters ever committed to celluloid and it’s this variety that keeps you wanting more when it comes to the tournament scenes.
There’s someone for everyone here, whether it’s Joao Gomez whose tactics appear to be win via voodoo curse, the guy who mirrors Dux move for move or future Tong Po, Suan Paredes and his brittle leg, but I think for most the favorites (outside of the main cast) have to be one of the following trio. First up we have Pumola, the giant and deceptively ripped sumo guy, who in my head has always been from Mongolia.
I think he was probably one of the favorites to win the tournament outright, he seems pretty impervious until Dux punches him in the nether regions causing the big man to collapse. It’s a low blow both figuratively and literally and I’m not sure we can really blame the giant for hitting the mat after that.
Next up we have Paco, the Muay Thai boxer with easily the best shorts in the entire tournament. Like Pumola, Paco has to be another tournament favorite as he demonstrates throughout that he is one double hard fighter, none more so when he and Dux have the kick off into each others ribs. In the end it takes a signature roundhouse kick of the highest order to put him down. I’m still waiting for the return fight on this one.
And last but certainly not least, my personal favorite: Ricardo Morra. Okay, so the name might not ring a bell and arguably, doesn’t really fit the character, but if I say Monkey Style Fighter, you’ll instantly know who I mean. How can you not love a fighter who hops around the entire time and trains by smashing coconuts off of branches?
Politically correct it isn’t, but it still makes him the stand out guy for me and he actually fights pretty successfully throughout, leaving me in no doubt that we need a Dux vs Morra fight in our lives. So there you have it. What other movie brings you that kind of diversity and all out insanity when it comes to opponents?
A bromance before bromances were cool, Dux and Ray Jackson hit it off instantly as the unlikely couple of the movie and actually share some pretty un-action-like tender moments together. Jackson is as brash as they come and immediately makes you think he’s going to be yet another villain for Dux to overcome, but he flips it instantly to become Dux’s most loyal ally.
Quite what a fighter as unskilled as Jackson is doing in the Kumite is never made apparent but his fascination and support of Dux is endearing and he does prove himself to be a pretty tough dude when taking a beating, so we’ll let him off. The massive Donald Gibb is perfectly cast here. Probably best known for being Ogre in Return of the Nerds up to this point he is the perfect combination of imposing and lovable and it’s due to this that you actually get your heart strings tugged when this great bear of a human finds himself in dire straits.
Since Bloodsport Gibb’s career has mainly consisted of television cameos, where his size and comedic qualities can be utilized to their full effect, however he would return as Ray Jackson in the Van Damme-less Bloodsport sequel, The Next Kumite (1996) making him the only member of the original cast to appear in both movies.
As far as I know Gibbs and Van Damme haven’t shared any screen time together since Bloodsport, which is a shame as they had great chemistry together, however in terms of the Bloodsport universe, let’s hope Dux and Jackson are still sat in a bar somewhere hunched over a game of Karate Champ and arguing over who’s tougher.
5. Montages upon Montages
Every truly great action movie needs some montages and Bloodsport delivers them by the bucket load. Whether it’s flashbacks, training or fight sequences, Bloodsport has you covered. The best and most iconic come when Frank Dux is being trained by his Shidoshi, Senzo Tanaka in place of Tanaka’s late son and Dux’s friend, Shingo.
Tasks include fishing goldfish with his hands, blindfolded waiter service and of course the tree splits, because let’s face it, are you really watching a Van Damme movie if no one does the splits? This also gives us some great fight scenes between Dux and Tanaka with Roy Chiao playing the old master perfectly, giving Van Damme a real run for his money and a great bit of background info into why Dux finds himself at the Kumite.
However, the biggest shout-out has to go to Pierre Rafini who plays Young Frank in flashback scenes. Now, I’m sure Pierre is a perfectly nice person, but an actor he was not. I can only assume that poor old Pierre was the only teenager in Hong Kong with anything resembling a Belgian accent because he bears no resemblance to Jean-Claude, appears to have no martial arts skills and even less acting chops.
But still, it adds an unintentional level of comedy that wouldn’t be there otherwise and a couple very quotable moments. He wasn’t going to steal the katana, honest.
Hong Kong is an ever evolving city, with such a dense population certain areas find themselves under constant redevelopment meaning that each time it is committed to film it could be the last time that it looks as it does.
In Bloodsport the city becomes a character in itself, with the neon lights, high-rise buildings and beautiful harbor all playing the perfect backdrop to some of the movies best scenes. However, it is the Kowloon Walled City, where the Kumite is taking place that is the star of the show. Notorious for its crime and black-marketeering the Walled City was as dangerous as it was made out to be in the movie for an outsider.
Still, this didn’t stop people spending their entire lives within its winding corridors and many levels and the city would see entire generations come and go within it. In 1987 (the year after Bloodsport was filmed) the Hong Kong government would announce its plans to demolish the city, but it would take until 1994 for the eviction to be completed, with many unhappy to leave their homes despite what seemed like poor living conditions to outsiders.
The city would also become the setting or inspiration for many movies, books and video games through the years, however of all of those only Bloodsport and Long Arm of the Law actually filmed within the walls, making the footage in Bloodsport of genuine historical interest as a document of some of the final years within Kowloon.
3. Chong Li
If there has been a more imposing movie villain than Bolo Yeung’sChong Li, I am yet to find them. Despite only standing at around 5’6, Bolo’s solid mass and planet sized pectorals make him someone you instantly know you don’t want to mess with. The man just exudes strength and all round menace and he turns this up to eleven to play Chong Li. Brutal and sadistic, Chong Li is the ultimate movie villain who will stop at nothing to break those who dare oppose him.
By the time Bloodsport came around Bolo was certainly no newcomer to the movies, having starred in hundreds of Hong Kong productions since the early seventies and was probably best known for appearing opposite Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon (the movie where his Bolo nickname came from) as well as dozens of ‘Bruceploitation’ movies following the great man’s death.
Despite this, Bloodsport is often considered his breakout movie to Western audiences and he would parlay this into a successful B-Movie career throughout the late eighties and nineties opposite the likes of Jahal Merhi and Billy Blanks as well as teaming up with Van Damme again for Double Impact. But it’s as Chong Li that he truly shined and it’ll be a long time before action movies sees a character quite as destructive as the South Korean killing machine again.
2. It’s a True Story, sort of…
The real Frank Dux with Jean Claude Van Damme.
Or, not at all really, depending on who you believe. As it turn out, the behind the scenes story of the real Frank Dux is nearly as interesting and arguably twice as strange as the actual movie. A controversial figure, Dux’s increasingly outrageous claims about his past life has left him a polarizing figure within the martial arts community with many going out of their way to try and debunk him.
Despite this, he still has his supporters (as well as followers of his Dux Ryu Ninjitsu system) and was once considered credible enough to appear in a now iconic 1980 Black Belt Magazine article which detailed his appearances in the Kumite and in a way, planted the seeds for Bloodsport. Away from his martial arts career, Dux has also spoken extensively about his life as a covert military operative, which apparently took him all over the world, requiring him to use his martial arts skills in variety of situations that would make even James Bond flinch.
To this day, Dux continues to assert that his claims are complete fact despite others stating otherwise (perhaps most famously in a 1988 L.A. Times expose) and while it is easy to dismiss what he says as the rantings of a madman, there are just enough seeds of fact there to make you think twice. For a start there’s the infamous receipt that the 1988 story is based around.
Allegedly the proof that Dux bought and commissioned the Kumite trophy himself the receipt contains numerous factual errors ranging from the misspelling of Dux’s name to a completely different description of the trophy in question, it was later dismissed as inadmissible evidence in court. Then there’s a certain U.S. Navy Lt. Cmdr. Alexander Martin who listed Frank Dux as one of a number of covert military agents while under oath, something which Dux used in yet another court case, this time against Soldier of Fortune Magazine.
Then finally we have the aforementioned Senzo Tanaka, the mysterious elderly Japanese man who apparently taught Dux all he knows. Long since dismissed as a figment of Dux’s fruitful imagination (and perhaps inspired by Senzo ‘Tiger’ Tanaka in the Ian Fleming novel You Only Lived Twice) due to the apparent fact that no Senzo Tanaka lived in California at the time, modern internet family history records have revealed that there was in fact indeed a Senzo Tanaka living precisely where Dux claims and who died in 1975 at the age of 87. Coincidence?
Possibly, but like a lot of the claims around Dux’s life, these things are just as impossible to verify as they are to refute. Whichever side of the fence you land on, the fact remains that Frank Dux is an accomplished martial artist who at the very least is a great story teller and who without, Bloodsport wouldn’t be the cult classic it is today.
1. The Muscles from Brussels
Well, who else could really have topped the list? This might have been Jean-Claude’s first leading role but it’s virtually impossible to think of anyone who could have played Frank Dux better. To many, it would have seemed like Van Damme became a star overnight, but after a successful martial arts career back in his home country he had actually been in the United States since the early eighties with friend (and Bloodsport co-star) Michel Qissi doing part time jobs while they tried to gain the attention of Hollywood.
His quest for stardom had seen him make a few appearances as an extra in various movies (most famously alongside Qissi in Breakin‘) as well as a stint as a Soviet villain in Corey Yuen’s No Retreat, No Surrender. His big break looked to have come when he was cast as The Predator opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger, however production issues and costume changes ultimately saw him replaced by the giant Kevin Peter Hall after just a few weeks in the jungle.
He was soon back on the job hunt and the story goes that Van Damme met Cannon head-honcho Menahem Golan in the street and impressed the Israeli mogul by doing some of his trademark kicks right there in front of him, thus landing the role of Dux. The slightly more mundane reality is probably closer to the fact that producer Mark Di Salle wanted an action star with sex appeal (see gratuitous slow pulling up of underwear) but that could also kick ass, Van Damme simply fit the bill.
He and Qissi would soon be signed to deals with Cannon and Bloodsport would be the first in a series of movies for the legendary schlock merchants. Unbelievably, Bloodpsort was actually shelved for some time which in the meantime saw Van Damme take the role of another Soviet villain, this time in Black Eagle before Bloodsport was eventually given the greenlight (after being re-edited by Van Damme himself) and in turn gave Cannon their newest action star.
The movie would eventually gross over $65m worldwide and would propel Van Damme into the A-List of action stars for most of the nineties, becoming one of the most profitable martial arts stars ever in the process. However, as successful as he became, very few of his films produced the instant charm and sheer entertainment value that Bloodsport contained and that is why, 30 years later it is still the Magnum Opus in the career of the Muscles from Brussels. Kumite, Kumite, Kumite!
Article by Will Carter – B-Movie obsessive and record shop employee living in Yorkshire, England. Contributor to Retro Cool and The Gravel Crew and long suffering car enthusiast. Genuinely believes there’s never been a better contribution to movie history than Bloodsport. Let us know what you think in the comments!
What is the allure of hunting? It is something I’ve always wanted to try but never got round to. In Australia we do have a hunting culture called “pigging”, where you hunt wild pigs or boars otherwise known as “Razorbacks”. You take out some dogs, usually large mixed breeds and chase after the feral pigs. My cousin loves doing it, he even lost half his left foot after one adventurous night.
I’ve always enjoyed films about hunting as well. There is something exciting about them that gets me pumped. Must be the thrill of the chase. Predator, Hard Target and TheCondemned are some of my favourites. And you can probably see a theme among them: “Man is the most dangerous game” and one of the most entertaining sub genres of action cinema.
But one movie stuck with me after I saw it at the tender age of 13 when it just came out on VHS. It showed the brutality of the social class system where the rich see the poor as nothing more as pawns for their own sick pleasure. But also you should never judge a book by it’s cover. That movie wasSurviving The Game, directed by Ernest Dickerson and stars Ice T and Rutger Hauer.
WHAT IS THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME?
The story centers around Mason (Ice T), a homeless man with nothing to lose. After the deaths of his two best friends he decides he’s had enough of this mortal coil and chooses to end his life. Just as he is about to a good Samaritan named Cole (Charles S. Dutton) stops him and convinces Mason not to give up. He offers him a job as an assistant to Burns (Rutger Hauer), a hunter who takes rich businessmen out into the wilderness to hunt “big game”. Soon they head off to the mountains to a remote cabin where five other “hunters” are ready to go on their next hunt. Little does Mason know is what they are hunting will soon be him yet the hunters don’t realise how clever Mason really is.
THE THRILL IS IN THE KILL
What is essentially a modern update of the classic short story The Most Dangerous Game by Richard Connell, which itself has inspired many other loose adaptions, it still holds up as a tightly wound action movie. The story by Eric Bernt (The Hitcher remake) keeps the tension constant with the uneasy feeling of dread for we as the audience know what is installed for Mason yet still unfolds with many character reveals and story surprises. The best written scene involves Mason with Doc (Gary Busey), a conversation about what it is to be a man, when you know your ready for adulthood and how you deal with it. Doc discusses his violent introduction to manhood and this scene sets up the machismo for the rest of the movie (poor Prince Henry Stout).
HOW FAR WILL YOU GO TO STAY ALIVE?
The directing and cinematography of the movie is like it’s wilderness setting: claustrophobic. Everything is shot in tight quarters but you can easily follow the action and the pacing is done really well, there isn’t many dull moments. The shots of the wilderness are breathtaking yet at the same time frightening as you wouldn’t want to stuck or at the worst hunted. The practical effects, especially the trophy room are very realistic but there are the occasional green screen shots that stand out but it was shot mostly on real locations so it would’ve been a treacherous shoot.
THE ULTIMATE MANHUNT
Acting wise they got quite the cast involved. Ice T is a believable hero, just skirting on the anti-hero scale but you root for him and is quite convincing as a down-in-his-luck drifter who didn’t see this job as a great second chance at life. Rutger Hauer is born to play villains and he doesn’t disappoint in this movie. As does Charles S. Dutton, after his role in Alien 3 it showed his range as in this movie that he can go between nurturing and frightening is the quickest of ease. The rest of the cast which includes F. Murray Abraham, John C. McGinley, William McNamara and Gary Busey round it off and they do a great job bringing the different personalities of the hunting party. But Busey stands out of the whole cast with his small role.
THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: KILL OR BE KILLED
The only problems I really have with the movie come from the clunky dialogue which does stand out from time to time and Mason’s suddenly ability to handle high-powered weapons with little experience but I can let it go cause it’s such an entertaining movie. Plus it had the misfortune being released a year after the similar themed Hard Target.
DID YOU CATCH YOUR PREY?
So overall if you want a white knuckle ride into the depravity of man then this is your movie. It came out at the right time before CGI ruined action movies and doesn’t disappoint on the with story, acting and directing. It makes the most dangerous game seem like something you might want to have a go at, if you have the stomach.
Dan Wilson comes from a land down under, where Mad Max roams and Vegemite tastes incredible. When he’s not fighting off drop bears he enjoys anything action, horror and sci-fi but sleeps when he can.
Let us know what you what you think in the comments!
If you tuned into Super Bowl 52 (LII for the numeral), you might have been able to catch some of the big trailers unveiled between Tide ads and, you know, American football. While Solo took the big fan boy gasps, a new movie called Skyscraper starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson perhaps gave ultimate action movie fans a chance to rekindle some ultimate action movie fan feelings they haven’t had since Bruce Willis Ho, Ho, Ho-ed all over Hans Gruber in the original Die Hard.
Skyspcraper’s Ultimate Action
It takes a certain type of ultimateness to get a pure action movie made in today’s day and age. Skyscraper seems to fit the bill of what it means to be an action flick in a post 9/11 international market. Starring an American veteran who lost a leg in battle, Skyscraper looks to take place in China in a new Sauron-esque mega-skyscraper which quickly terrifies the general public once it inevitably goes up in flames. The premises seems a good mix of heavy-Americanism packaged for a strong worldwide box office draw. However, the action looks legit, if not spectacle-filled, which suits The Rock just fine as a duly capable action fighter and stunt man – plus his average Joe quips look top notch.
Similarities to Die Hard
To ultimate action movie fans, Skyscraper also almost immediately seems like a thematic reboot to the Bruce Willis franchise-starter Die Hard, which came out 30 years ago in 1988. Both movies have their star trapped in an building while trying to save love ones against hijacking terrorists. While Skyscraper’s stunts might look more dramatic (at least the main one off the crane which is heavily featured in the trailer and the branding), Bruce Willis did his fair share of leaps and bounds while eluding Hans and his merry German terrorists.
It’s still to be seen how closely the internal plot in Skyscraper lines up with Die Hard’s. In one short sequence shown in the trailer we see the supposed terrorists disguised as some sort of maintenance team, while Die Hard’s terrorist organization infiltrated Nakatomi Plaza in a courier service truck. Although, it also looks like The Rock is captured by the terrorists rather early on and has his family dramatically threatened, while John McClane more aptly sneaks around knocking the terrorists off to his usual tongue-in-cheek delight – but that might more of a sign of the times than anything else.
Article by Jourdan Aldredge – born in the golden year of action cinema (1987), Jourdan has been an ultimate action movie fan and avid VHS collector since high school. He is an original founding member of the Ultimate Action Movie Club and the Managing Editor of the blog.
What do you guys think of Skyscraper and how it compares to Die Hard? Let us know in the comments!
In 1981, Van Halen released “Fair Warning,” their fourth LP. (Note to younger readers: the acronym “LP” stands for long play, i.e., full-length records — which preceded MP3s, compact discs and tapes. Google it if you don’t believe me.) After recording eight songs, the band thought they had the album “in the can.” But after unplugging their instruments and winding down, producer Ted Templeman said they needed one more song. Begrudgingly, they re-entered the studio, plugged in, and in one take recorded “One Foot out the Door”, what I believe to be a perfect song.
No overdubs. No re-recordings. ONE TAKE.
Much can be said of the cinematic output from Cannon Films in their 1980s heyday: schlock, low-budget, cheap, etc. But to me,American Ninja is as perfect a movie as they ever produced.
An Ultimate Action Movie Club Review
Released in 1985, American Ninja starred Michael Dudikoff as Joe Armstrong, a private in the U.S. Army. Joe’s father was stationed there during his service. After Joe’s dad was killed in an explosion, Joe was taken in and raised by Shinjuki (played by John Fujioka), who raised him as a son. You see, Shinjuki was secretly a ninja who had imparted his years of wisdom onto Joe throughout his life, for he lacked sons of his own to impart his wisdom on.
But just because Joe was trained as a ninja doesn’t mean he walked around like a bad ass. He’s not some well-oiled killing machine. Oh, no; he has amnesia from the explosion. His body reacts and performs ninjutsu, basically from muscle memory. While he acts heroically, it’s all reactive, not proactive. Therein lies the rub.
Joe was somewhat of a troublemaker as a youth and enlisted in the Army as a way of avoiding jail time. While there, he just wanted to be alone, do his time and avoid trouble — but trouble seemed to have a way of finding him. Although he tried his hardest to be a loner, Joe befriended Cpl. Curtis Jackson, played by the late Steve James. Jackson was demonstrating martial arts to servicemen when Joe walked by. Taunting him for the deaths of soldiers that occurred in the movie’s open, Jackson tried to goad Joe into a scuffle on the base. However, one does not scuffle with a ninja unscathed. Joe easily takes Jackson, even at one time with a metal bucket over his head! A friendship that would spill over into 1987’s American Ninja 2 (The Confrontation) would develop.
Remember how I said trouble had a way of finding Joe? Throughout the movie, a slow romance develops between him and Patricia (played by Judie Aronson of Weird Science fame). However, when Joe stumbles upon a conspiracy involving Patricia’s dad, Col. William Hickock (who heads the Army base), it lands him in jail.
With friends and believers few and far between, and an evil wrist rocket-wearing ninja (you gotta love Cannon!) out to get him, Joe must dig deep into his ninjutsu repertoire to save the day, get the girl, and star in the sequel.
The Multiple Levels of Perfection
I could delve deeper into a review, but this movie needs to be seen to be fully appreciated. As I’ve said before, I truly think it’s perfect on so many levels:
The reluctant hero trying to control his powers (comic books have been using this trope for nearly a century now)
The trusty, loyal sidekick who’s a good fighter, but not better than the protagonist
The love interest, who doesn’t rely upon gratuitous nudity to advance the plot
The father-figure elder/trainer
The antagonist (think of the wildest version of the word “ninja” you can, and multiply that by 100)
You get the picture.
American Ninja has been released on VHS, DVD and Blu-Ray. As God is my witness, it’s the only movie I own on all three media. I’ve collected American Ninja advertising, marketing and promotional materials. I also own original movie posters of it and its first sequel.
It is that perfect to me.
“Honor the code” and watch it sometime. Then feel free to let me know what you think of it.
Part Tony Manero, part Rocky Balboa, John Acquavita is a N.Y.-area transplant currently living in Ohio. He uses his “particular set of skills” to contribute to various websites covering 1980s-era action movies.
Let us know what you what you think in the comments!
There’s a scene in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, the 1987 action flick by BBB (bullets, bombs and boobs) director Andy Sidaris, where DEA agent Rowdy Abilene (played by Ronn Moss) yells out to a girl jogging away from him on the beach: “Hey Colleen! You’ve got a great ass.” Colleen’s response? “So do you, pilgrim.”
Bad lines and action movies go together like grilled cheese and tomato soup. Some of this cheesy dialogue, like the aforementioned line, is intentional. Hard Ticket to Hawaii was always meant to be tongue and cheek, and in this case, it works. But, there are plenty of lines in action movies that fall flat, bringing the action to a grinding halt, and leaving the audience groaning.
Synopsis: Mathew Karedas is Samurai Cop. He’s a cop, who’s also a samurai. I mean, what else do you need? The title alone sells itself. Who said it: Robert Z’Dar as Yamashita Quote: “I will bring you his head, and I will place it on your piano.” Why it’s bad: In a movie filled with epically bad dialogue (like this speech) it’s hard to find a line that wouldn’t end up on this list. But the last thing anybody really wants is a rotting severed head on a white baby grand piano. That’s how you get ants.
Synopsis: Rudy (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is a thief go goes to Israel in search of his father – an archeologist on a quest to find religious artifacts. Basically, Indiana Jones with Han Solo in the lead role. Who said it: Jean-Claude Van Damme as Rudy Cafmeyer Quote: (answering the question: Did someone get shot?) “No. I Farted.” Why it’s bad: Farts are funny. Fart sounds are funny. Trying to cover up a fart by coughing or asking, “did anyone see that elephant?” is funny. I the middle of a shootout, it just doesn’t work. Sorry, JCVD. Any line would have been an improvement, including something as juvenile as, “No, it’s your mom.”
Synopsis: Nico (Steven Seagal), a Chicago cop who happens to be former Special Ops well versed in Aikido and breaking arms, uncovers CIA covert operations while bringing down drug dealers in his hometown. Who said it: Steven Seagal as Nico Toscani Quote: “You guys think you’re above the law. Well, you ain’t above mine.” Why it’s bad: Let’s face it, even on a good day Steven Seagal isn’t great with the words and the talking. But this line is just a sloppy sendup to the title, and it feels forced. That said, you can pretty much create this line with any Steven Seagal movie title. “You think you’re hard to kill? You think you’re out for justice? You think you’re marked for death” You think you’re under siege” You think you’re the glimmer man? You think you’re born to raise hell?” You get the picture.
Synopsis: In what could be described as the only movie co-produced by the Lifetime and Spike networks, Captain Matt Hendricks (Dolph Lundgren) teams up with former fiancée Dr. Linda Christian (Meilani Paul) to keep a dangerous chemical weapon out of the hands of terrorists. Will they fall in love again? Who said it: Dolph Lundgren as Captain Matt Hendricks, Meilani Paul as Dr. Linda Christian Quote: Dr. Linda Christian – “You’ve never heard of Agent Red?” Captain Matt Hendricks – “It sounds like a bad action movie.” Why it’s bad: You really need to break the fourth wall with a line like this, wink at the audience and give them the silent “wha whaw.” In this case, however, it was an astute observation about the quality of this movie. I really hope this line was adlibbed.
Synopsis: Sgt. Chris Kenner (Dolph Lundgren) and partner Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee) go up against the yakuza to keep a beautiful woman (Tia Carrere) alive long enough to testify again its leader. Who said it: Brandon Lee as Johnny Murata (to Dolph Lundgren) Quote: “Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you, you have the biggest d*** I’ve ever seen on a man.” Why it’s bad: Ok, this line is pretty funny. I’d give it a pass, but the first time I heard it I was like, “wait, what?” Speaking of Tia Carrere, you ever watch her show, Relic Hunter? It was actually pretty cool. Not groundbreaking, it was basically Tomb Raider, but still worth checking out.
Synopsis: Los Angeles Police Officer Bob Hodges (Robert Duvall) breaks in a new partner, Officer Danny “Pac-Man” McGavin (Sean Penn), while battling gangs in LA. Who said it: Rudy Ramos as Lieutenant Melindez Quote: “Tampax go someplace good.” Why it’s bad: Although Colors is technically not an action film, this line makes the list because it comes after a poignant speech about the state of gang violence in late 1980s Los Angeles. Also, ew.
Synopsis: John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone), wrongly convicted and sentenced to cryro-prison, is woken up in 2032 – now a society free from crime – to help the San Angeles Police track down and capture Spartan’s old nemesis, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes). Who said it: Sylvester Stallone as John Spartan Quote: “You, get me a Marlboro.” Why it’s bad: Nobody in the history of smoking has ever asked for a loosie by brand name. A pack of cigarettes? Yes. And, I know, there have been hundreds of studies done on brand loyalty of cigarette smokers, but beggars are never choosers. Maybe if Spartan asked for a Winston and then sung the old Winston jingle like Fred Flintstone did – Winston tastes goooood, like a cigarette should – that would have been something!
Synopsis: Blade (Wesley Snipes) is a half-man, half-vampire who wears a lot of leather while protecting humans from a gang of evil vampires. Who said it: Wesley Snipes as Blade Quote: “Some mother******s are always trying to ice-skate uphill.” Why it’s bad: In a movie with no ice, or skating, or cold conditions, or a hill, it really comes out of nowhere. It ends the entire scene on a total WTF moment. I can think of a bunch of other cheesy one-liners they could have used: No mis-stake about it. Sink your teeth into this. This is going to suck. Time to see the light. Die, you stupid vampire jerkface.
Synopsis: Jack Caine (Dolph Lundgren) is a good cop who doesn’t play by the rules. When he isn’t beating drug dealers to a bloody pulp, he’s making time for his special lady. Oh, there’s an alien drug dealer who is killing people to steal their endorphins and sell them on his home planet. He keeps saying, “I come in peace,” but does he really mean it? The answer: no. Who said it: Dolph Lundgren as Jack Caine Quote: “F— you, spaceman!” Why it’s bad: This movie has the distinction of having both a terrible one-liner (this one) and a fairly clever one (when the alien tells Caine “I Come in Peace” and he replies, “And you go in pieces”) within one minute of each other. They could have replaced the spaceman line with just anything else and it would have been an improvement – even “Some mother******s are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”
Article by Eric LaRose – a Wisconsin-based connoisseur of action, horror and sci-fi movies from the ‘80s and ‘90s. A former journalist and podcaster, Eric wrote the ending to the Toxic Avenger Part 4, but the only person who will back up that claim is his wife.
Let us know what you what you think in the comments!
