The Documentary Story of How Chuck Norris Defeated Communism

By
Iron Fist
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Chuck Norris = 1. Communism = 0.

Chuck Norris has literally altered the course of human history. And he did it without firing a single shot. He didn’t do it single handedly. He had help. Schwarzenegger. Stallone. Jennifer Grey. Swayze.They did it by teaming up to inspire an entire country to stand up and overthrow their oppressors in a bloodless coup in 1989, that started the dominos falling and led to the collapse of Communism. Their very real struggle has finally been brought to the screen with the 2018 docudrama Chuck Norris vs. Communism.

Would any of us risk spending the rest of your lives in jail to watch a Cynthia Rothrock movie? (Editor’s note: heck yes – she’s awesome!) Well, this is what our brothers and sisters in the Eastern Bloc country of Romania risked in the 1980s.

A little history first. Back in the 80s, Communism was the great evil in the world that suppressed the rights and liberties of its citizens to stay in power. Anything considered Western was ruthlessly suppressed. Against impossible odds, a group of action movie aficionados much like you and I defied this evil in order to get their action on. It was this can do attitude displayed by our action heroes on screen and in front of the TV that lit the spark that fueled the revolution that ended Communism. 

A Picture of Chuck Norris Was ‘Used by Police to Intimidate Protestors’

ENTER THE ROMANIAN DRAGON

Irina Nistor worked as the voice and translator of all the propaganda films the state put out and as such, she had access to studios and equipment. When she received a VCR tape smuggled in from the West, she then dubbed in into Romanian. If you think “I’LL BE BACK” dubbed into Romanian by a female voice loses anything in translation, you would be wrong. Dead wrong. But don’t ask me how the secret police couldn’t figure out the same voice dubbing the decadent movies from the West was also the same voice on their state sponsored television. 

From there, our single perfectly dubbed VHS tape would be smuggled out to a black marketeer who had a dacha-house – that had 300 VCRs that we’re running 24/7 making copies of that tape. Do any of us remember how bad a copy of a copy played?

Anyway, these tapes would be sold on the black market. It’s buyers would be those in possession of a VCR smuggled in from the West, which at the time cost as much as the average Romanian made in a year. Secret viewing partied were then organized by word of mouth to trusted individuals right under the noses of the secret police. And the rest is history.

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The Ultimate Risks of Ultimate Action

In this film we get to meet Irina and many of the people who lived this tale. We get reenactments of the viewing parties and how they outsmarted the secret police and informants within their midst. We get heart felt interviews of just what our American action movies meant to the people of Romania struggling under totalitarian rule.

My favorite scene is that after a viewing of Rocky, the next morning found the apartment building’s courtyard filled with people jogging and shadow boxing. For a few hours, they were free and reliving the journey of their favorite  action hero. Such is the power to inspire of action cinema.

The 11 Greatest Chuck Norris Ultimate Action Movies

Chuck Norris Saves All

Ultimately, this movie is a meditation on the transformative power of the movies. With action movies as the vehicle and Chuck Norris as the driver, Communism never had a chance. Rambo, Red Dawn, Lone Wolf Mcquade, Rocky, Robocop, Dirty Dancing, Invasion USA, Uncommon Valor, Red Heat and Missing In Action.They are all here as the Romanian people made our beloved action movies their own. 

So the next time your spouse or significant other is nagging you about your choice of movies, remember to tell them the story of Irina and the people of Romania and how they overthrew Communism – (thanks to Chuck Norris).

This author wishes to maintain his secret identity goes by the name of his favorite comic book hero Iron Fist. When he’s not collecting comics from his childhood, watching action movies or raising his three kids, he works a a police officer, trains Muay Thai, Jeet Kune Do, Kali and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Needless to say, he takes poor martial arts or sloppy gun handling skills personally. And he lives and trains in Chicago.

Let us know your thoughts on Chuck Norris vs Communism on our Facebook page!

UAMC Scene Breakdown: The Final Showdown from Robocop (1987)

By
Emily Stephan
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It’s Robocop vs Clarence Boddicker in one of the most ultimate showdowns in action movie history!

RoboCop Final Showdown
The ultimate showdown ending to Robocop (1987)

The final showdown between Alex Murphy and Clarence Boddicker is my favorite scene in Robocop, bar none, and by proxy, my favorite 80s action sequence ever. While the last scene with Dick Jones is technically the true final battle of the film, I like the showdown with Clarence just a hair more. In some ways, it’s a scene that possesses in miniature all the things that make Robocop such a special action flick.

Anyway, here are three reasons why I love it so much!

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Reason One: It’s Got Visceral, Exciting Action

A car chase. Multiple, impressive explosions. Suspense. Surprises at every turn. This scene is just plain exciting. When the amazing music starts up right after Murphy makes his presence known to the villains, one cannot help but get swept up in the spectacle of the sequence. The pace never lets up for a minute.

As a side note, I also love how much Officer Lewis gets to do. She chases down Clarence in her car and manages to blow Leon up even when suffering multiple bullet wounds. Such a shame she’s never used to as good effect in the sequels! But I digress…

The Universal Appeal of the Sci-Fi Action Classic Robocop (1987)

Reason Two: It’s Hilarious

This scene is the epitome of Verhoeven’s masterful combination of dark humor and ultraviolent action. As the criminals cautiously march into the steel mill with their heavy-duty artillery at the ready, Murphy throws a piece of scrap metal behind them, drawing their panicked fire in the exact opposite direction. This little moment is a great foretaste of the comedy to come in the sequence, where the viewer is alternately awed by the action-packed spectacle and laughing from sheer schadenfreude.

Funniest moment? Emil’s getting mutated then run over by Clarence, which results in a massive explosion of toxic blood and guts. Disgusting, messed up, and horrifying, yes—so much that I almost feel guilty for laughing. But then again, “messed up and horrifying” might describe a lot of Robocop anyway…

Exploring the Complicated Legacy of Robocop 2 (1990)

Reason Three: It’s Emotionally Satisfying

Murphy’s “death” at the hands of Clarence and co. is one of the most emotionally harrowing scenes in 1980s action cinema. As much fun as I have every time I watch Robocop, that scene twists my guts no matter how familiar I am with every frame of it. For once, the violence isn’t played for over-the-top laughs. It hurts to watch.

The darkness of that earlier scene makes this final showdown all the more fulfilling for the audience. Murphy returns to the place of his death after being reborn twice: once as Robocop and now as Murphy again, giving the scene an almost biblical edge in its death and resurrection motifs. (Also, there’s that one shot where it looks like Murphy is walking on water. That makes it pretty obvious too.)

Robocop 3: Not the Worst Sci-Fi Action Movie Ever

The way Clarence and co. meet their demises are so satisfying, much more satisfying than if they were just killed in a standard gun battle. When Clarence finally gets his with a geyser of the red, red krovvy erupting from his neck, it’s immensely gratifying for the audience, even though his death does not come about in the traditional action movie manner when you think about it.

Murphy and Clarence don’t engage in the gravity-defying spectacle that permeates superhero films of our current age, let alone traditional hand-to-hand combat. As I mentioned in my original Robocop review, their showdown is far more reminiscent of classic westerns like High Noon, where the principled sheriff and amoral villain stare one another down amidst an empty town, settling the score with quick violence.

However, this too is subverted, as Murphy is a lot rougher around the edges than Gary Cooper’s sheriff, who was motivated by his sense of justice. Murphy makes it clear that he isn’t interested in taking Clarence in alive: he’s out for vengeance, making him more human than the machine OCP wanted him to remain. And that’s part of why this sequence is just so rich and visceral, one of the highlights of Robocop and all 1980s action movies.

Share some of your favorite scenes from the original Robocop (1987) in the comments!

Air Force One: When a Fictional American President Became Ultimate

By
Ultimate Action Movies
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All hail Harrison Ford’s Ultimate President Marshall!

When I first viewed Air Force One (1997), I really did not like the film. That’s because for one weekend, it monopolized my television and I was forced to watch it because of a sibling’s love of Harrison Ford.

However, that’s not the case as I grew older and watched it independent of that experience. It’s not only one of Ford’s greatest roles of all time but it’s an interesting look at a what-if scenario: whether or not Russians could ever take over Air Force One. For Ford’s President James Marshall, it is a very frightening reality he has to contend with.

Harrison Ford as President Marshall

Following the capture of General Ivan Radek, the Kazakhstan dictator, Marshall praises the capture by US and Russian Special Forces and says at a diplomatic dinner in Moscow that the US will never negotiate with terrorists. However, Radek loyalists are about to put Marshall’s words to the test. Posing as journalists, they take control of Air Force One. Ivan Korshunov, who leads the hijacking, obtain weapons and kill many agents and military personnel onboard. They also take civilians. Marshall races to an escape pod in the cargo, seeking to escape, but he does the exact opposite.

What Korshunov does not know is that Marshall is a Medal of Honor recipient and veteran of the Vietnam War. This man has been through hell and back and he intends to make that well known to them. He is able to closely study them before killing some of Korshunov’s men. He uses a satellite phone quickly to contact Vice President Kathryn Bennett to let her and his staff know that he is indeed alive. Korshunov, meanwhile, contacts Bennett herself and threatens to kill a hostage every half an hour until Radek is released.

A Pre-9/11 Film

This is, perhaps, a situation the USA has never found itself in except something close to 9/11. In some ways, this film was a precursor to a successful attack by terrorists on US soil. Marshall works with his military advisers in the hopes of making Korshunov take Air Force One to a lower altitude. This could allow the hostages to parachute to safety off the plane.

Marshall hopes to escort the passengers himself but Korshunov discovers this and causes fuel to ignite, destroying a tanker, as he moves Air Force One away. The Radek loyalist eventually puts Marshall in a predicament he cannot escape: he captures Marshall, Lloyd Shepherd, the chief of staff, Major Caldwell, and Gibbs, a secret service agent.

Marshall has to contact Russian President Petrov and make sure Radek is released. Marshall is incapable of performing his presidential duties because of changed nuclear launch codes that were compromised. Korshunov and his men celebrate while Marshall kills him and the remaining henchmen. Immediately after, Marshall changes his order to release Radek and the latter is killed as he attempts to get to a helicopter waiting for him. While Miller and Caldwell seek to direct the plane back home, more Radek loyalists start to attack them. Subsequently, while no wake up call alarm clock is going off, the aircraft begins to lose fuel and altitude after a puncture to its wings and its tail damaged.

When “Get Off My Plane” Became a Thing

An HC-130 sends parajumpers to help rescue the survivors and ultimately, get everyone to safety. Gibbs reveals himself to be the mole and kills Caldwell and a parajumper before he dies in the Caspian Sea, as the plane crashes. Marshall is able to live another day and might buy that wake up call alarm clock he’s been eyeing for a while. What’s interesting about this film is how real a threat such a thing poses to our world. These sorts of events were not commonplace when Air Force One came out in 1997. Four years later, when September 11, 2001, happened, such things would not surprise anyone anymore.

Terrorists are out there and seek to destroy others’ ways of life. It is a scarier world we live in and one that does not seem to be slowing down anytime soon. The USA and the rest of the western world remain on alert always to impending attacks that could happen on our soil. It’s not a bad thing to have a president who still has military training. In fact, it could benefit us greatly once more, should another attack ever happen again.

About the author: Tommy Zimmer is a writer whose work has appeared online and in print. His work covers a variety of topics, including politics, economics, health and wellness, the entertainment industry, and a wake up call alarm clock.

Edgar Wright Declares ‘Mad Max Fury Road’ his Most Ultimate Action Movie of All Time

By
Jourdan Aldredge
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Mad Max Fury Road
Mad Max Fury Road

The modern comedy/action director makes a solid pick, but disses Arnold in the process…

Edgar Wright
Edgar Wright on the set of Baby Driver

Just because the ultimate action movie golden era of the ‘80s and ‘90s may be dead and gone doesn’t mean that there are some truly noble attempts to keep the genre alive.

One of those brave directors has been Edgar Wright who has found ways to show his ultimate love for the ultimate classics in his genre-bending comedy/actioners like Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead and Baby Driver.

Wright also has a pretty popular account going as part of #FilmTwitter and is often quick to spark some fiery debates. His most recent work falls into our favorite genre – the best action movies of all time.

Mad Max Fury Road is #1


So, Mr. Wright’s pick is in. And while Mad Max Fury Road is definitely one of the greatest action movies of the last few years, you’d be hard pressed to find many ultimate action movie enthusiasts agreeing that it’s truly the greatest of all time. Heck, it might not even be the most ultimate out of the franchise with the original Mel Gibson Mad Max or its sequel Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior each getting plenty of love as well.

However, Edgar didn’t ask us, he just voiced his opinion on his own. So we’ll give him a pass.

His fans and followers though, were just as correct taking him to task though.

UAMC Review: Mad Max Fury Road in Black & White Chrome 4K

Hard Boiled is #2

Wright would go on to concede that John Woo’s Hong Kong classic Hard Boiled would have to be his number two pick. So much so that Wright has publicly gone to bat for the film intro it at film festivals and citing its influence in many of his works – which we can almost surely trace into some of the shootout scenes from Hot Fuzz and Baby Driver.

Why John Woo’s ‘Hard Boiled’ is Pure Modern Action Perfection

No Love for Arnold and Commando


Probably one of the most commented replies points out the obvious error of omission by not including Commando at least in the conversation for greatest action movie of all time. (There also appears to be quite a good deal of support for Die Hard – which also is warranted and makes sense.) Yet, Wright fires back with probably his biggest bombshell of all by saying that neither Commando nor Predator are even his favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger films! What!

Wright does not go on to elaborate which Arnie movie is indeed his favorite. But if we had to guess we’d have to say Terminator 2 (because that’d really be the only other OBVIOUS option) or Kindergarten Cop because that just seems his brand of humor and action combined. But who knows – we may never get his true feelings.

7 Scenes That Prove Terminator 2 is Arnold’s Ultimate Action Movie

Still, we’re happy the man is contributing to action movies at all. He is currently in works on a horror / action / thriller titled Last Night in Soho which should be awesome.

And Mad Max Fury Road is indeed one of greatest modern actioners that harkens some of the best and brightest memories from the ultimate action movie golden days – so we won’t knock him either for tooting its horn just a little more. But comon, man. Watch Commando one more time and don’t tell us it’s damn ultimate!

Let us know your thoughts on Edgar Wright’s action movie debate!

Jeff Speakman is in Rare and Ultimate Form in ‘Running Red’ (1999)

By
John Acquavita
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A surprisingly solid Saturday night actioner!

Before streaming channels like Amazon Prime, Hulu, Netflix and scores of others popped up, Blockbuster Video ruled supreme. But before Blockbuster opened its doors, those of us of a certain age can vividly remember the anxiety we felt in locally owned stores with fewer rental selections. We were anxious because we didn’t really have a lot of information to go on when renting a movie. We based our decisions on genre, box art, and the actors within the movie. After that, we rolled the dice and hoped for the best.

That was my attitude when I recently saw 1999’s Running Red, starring Jeff Speakman and Angie Everhart (currently streaming for free on Prime). Many people would agree with my assessment that Speakman, for better or for worse, unquestionably peaked with his debut, 1991’s The Perfect Weapon. It was as close to a flawless action movie as one can hope for. Based on that knowledge and Everhart’s stunning beauty, I decided to devote a Saturday night to Running Red. I am pleased to report I’m not disappointed by my decision at all.

Jeff Speakman is the Perfect Action Hero in The Perfect Weapon (1991)

Jeff Speakman in Running Red

Running Red incorporates a lot of action movie tropes and clichés, but fortunately, does it well. Speakman plays Grigori, a Russian soldier who’s “the best”. On a mission to destroy a chemical plant, his brother is killed by a baddie named Mercier. In addition, Grigory refuses an order from commanding officer Alexi to murder a child in cold blood. Alexi does it himself, but Grigory realizes at that point that he’s done with the military life.

Eleven years later, Grigory is now “Greg” and married to the lovely Katherine, played by Everhart. They live in Sherman Oaks, Calif., and have a daughter who doesn’t add much value to the plot, except to show how much softer Greg has become since living a normal life in the American suburbs.

But as many an action movie fan can attest, our heroes don’t live normal lives; they just take a hiatus until their old lives catch up to them. And Grigory’s life certainly does. Closely mirroring the events of 2005’s A History of Violence — where “Tom Stall,” married to a former high school cheerleader, thwarts a small-town robbery, becomes a local celebrity, and people from his past learn his location and drag him back to his old gangster lifestyle — Grigory/Greg thwarts his daughter’s kidnapping with flashy kenpo that is recorded by a bystander and shown on the local news. When Katherine (a former high school cheerleader) sees it, it sets off a series of whirlwind events.

Alexi, now a realtor, hires Grigory (blackmailing him by threatening to reveal his past deeds to his wife) to do a job whereby he’d get his revenge on Mercier — permanently. But that job leads to another, and another, and soon Grigory/Greg is thrust back into his old career, against his better wishes.

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A UAMC Worthy Saturday Night Viewing

I queued up Running Red with zero expectations, and it was a far better actioner than I had anticipated. Speakman puts in his usual solid outing. While the movie had less kenpo scenes than The Perfect Weapon, what hand-to-hand combat he displayed was spectacular, as was his firearm marksmanship. Speaking of spectacular, Everhart (who would be the perfect Scarlett in a mid-90s G.I. Joe movie), has never looked better. Unlike several of her other DTV films, she didn’t reveal much of why she was selected to pose in Playboy, but the role didn’t call for it. (It wouldn’t have exactly advanced the plot.)

While I haven’t seen many Speakman movies to date, I certainly will try to uncover more of them after being pleased with his output in Running Red. If you’re looking for a solid action movie without a lot of filler, you can certainly do a lot worse.

FUN “RUNNING RED” TRIVIA: There are two nods to The Perfect Weapon within the movie. In one scene, Speakman wears a t-shirt advertising kenpo gear. Astute viewers will catch the second reference. I won’t spoil it, but I can assure you it’s quite well done!

(For another review of Running Red, be sure to check out Ty’s write-up on Comeuppance Reviews here. His comprehensive site is one of the best ones online and has inspired me to write reviews, so I always try to refer folks there when I can.)

Let us know your thoughts on Jeff Speakman’s Running Red on our Facebook page!

This Bruce Willis Look-a-Like Aims to Play Young John McClane

By
Jourdan Aldredge
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Meet Jeremy Sande and his viral attempt to play young John McClane in upcoming Die Hard prequel ‘McClane’.

You can’t blame a guy for dreaming the ultimate action movie dream, can ya? The Ultimate Action Movie Club received a message from one Jeremy Sande regarding his personal online push to portray a younger version of Bruce Willis‘ John McClane in the in-the-works Die Hard prequel project – McClane.

And, we have to give the guy some ultimate respect for trying! So, let’s meet Jeremy Sande and examine his credentials to play the ultimate role of a lifetime.

Bruce Willis is Back for ‘Die Hard’ Prequel – ‘McClane’

Bruce Willis’ John McClane

Originally released in 1988, Die Hard was one of the greatest action movies of the golden era of Ultimate Action Movies. Written by Steven E. de Souza and Jeb Stuart – based on Roderick Thorp’s 1979 novel Nothing Lasts Forever – and directed by John McTiernan, Die Hard vaulted Bruce Willis to UAMC legendary status (while also giving the action genre its pinnacle achievement for ultimate bad guys with Alan Rickman’s Hans Gruber).

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Die Hard has gone on to spawn a franchise that includes four sequels – plus this upcoming prequel McClane – and a number of spinoff video games, comic books and pop culture memorabilia.

However, while Bruce Willis was 33 when the first Die Hard came out, he has definitely felt the weighty touch of age as he’s been tasked with keeping the franchise’s legacy living on. The man will be pushing 65 when this latest version hits theaters.

Jeremy Sande as Young John McClane

As we’ve reported before on the project, this new Die Hard prequel McClane will in fact feature both an aged John McClane played by Bruce Willis, as well as flashbacks to a young John McClane. The exact extent of this role is still unknown, but it could be substantive based on just how great of a role it provides.

Sande is working hard to get himself noticed to get a chance to impress attached director Len Wiseman for the role. Sande has been honing his acting and action chops over the years with roles in productions like Deepwater Horizon, Nashville and Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies.

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Does He Have What it Takes to Die Hard?

What impressed us here at the Ultimate Action Movie Club was Sande’s self-produced “demo reel” short film which is basically his audition for the John McClane role. It’s a little rough production-value wise, but you can be the judge for yourself if Sande is worthy of consideration for the role – or nah.

Regardless, as one ultimate action movie fan to another, we wish him the best of luck as we anxiously await this latest Die Hard project – and hope it doesn’t suck. Or, you know, we’ll just watch the original again and feel damn good about it.


Let us know your thoughts on this Die Hard hopeful’s chances!

The JCVD Diet: Jean-Claude Van Damme Reveals His Dietary Secrets

By
Jack Beresford
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We might as well call this the official UAMC diet plan…

Jean-Claude Van Damme has lifted the lid on the diet secrets that have helped him stay in shape well into his 50s and they are pretty extreme. The Ultimate Action Movie Club legend continues to defy the ageing process thanks to an effective combination of diet and intense exercise. While other action stars of the 80s and 90s are starting to show their age, JCVD is in the prime of his life.

Watch: Rare footage of Jean Claude Van Damme Fighting For Real

The Van Damme Diet

Now, in an interview with GQ, the Muscles from Brussels has revealed the diet secrets that have helped him stay in same shape for the past 30 years. “I think you should eat what makes you feel good,” he tells GQ.

“Not necessarily cream cheese, cake and chocolate all the time. Your body knows what it wants. After so many years, my body knows what it wants to eat. Believe it or not, I can feel it.”

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Get Bloodsport Fit

It turns out Van Damme’s body wants the Belgian to eat vegetables. Lots and lots of vegetables. Preferably with the skin removed, too, which is…different.

“You have to peel the tomatoes. You have to peel the peaches. You have to peel the apples, not just wash them,” he tells GQ, stopping short of listing every vegetable or fruit that needs peeling.

“In our eyes it’s microscopic, but the skin of the tomato is a protective wall.”And when it comes to starting the day with a bang, Van Damme reckons berries hold the key to enjoying a great breakfast. “Blueberries, strawberries, all kinds of berries with antioxidants and anti-inflammatories,” he said.

The 10 Best Jean-Claude Van Damme Action Movies Of All Time

Get Ready for Your Gratuitous Butt Shots!

Interestingly, Van Damme avoids eating meat and doesn’t touch egg whites. He prefers foods rich in Omega 3 – but he’s not all that keen on fish. “You don’t need fish, you can have Omegas with vegetable or fish oil,” he explains.

Van Damme also eats six to seven small meals a day, with the emphasis on quality rather than quantity. He also drinks a ton of water, which kind of goes without saying.

Does the system work? Take a look at the 58-year-old Van Damme and decide for yourself.

Let us know your thoughts on the Van Damme diet!

Luc Besson’s New Assassin Actioner ‘Anna’ Looks Ultimately Awesome [First Trailer]

By
Jack Beresford
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Get ready to get your butts once again ultimately kicked by a girl in ‘Anna’ (2019)!

French action movie maestro Luc Besson is back on familiar territory with his latest effort, the female assassin-led thriller Anna.

After the unmitigated disaster of his big-budget blockbuster Valerian, Besson has returned to the kind of filmmaking where he first his name with the likes of Leon and La Femme Nikita.

Written and directed by the French filmmaker, Anna centres on another femme fatale, Sasha Luss’s Anna and her extreme exploits as a gun-for-hire.

Make Sci-Fi Action Movies Ultimate Again!

Sasha Luss is in Ultimate Company

Coming off like a more intense and inventive version of Atomic Blonde, the film also represents Luss’s first starring role following a career as a supermodel.

The Russian appears to be in her element though as the slick trailer demonstrates. She’s ably supported too with a cast that includes Helen Mirren, Cillian Murphy, Luke Evans, Lera Abova, Alexander Petrov, and Anna Krippa.

Big, brash and pretty ballsy, it’s the kind of movie Besson made back in the 90s but cranked up to 10.

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Luc Besson Knows Intense Action

The official synopsis reads: “Beneath Anna Poliatova’s striking beauty lies a secret that will unleash her indelible strength and skill to become one of the world’s most feared government assassins.

“An electrifying thrill ride unfolding with propulsive energy, startling twists and breathtaking action, Anna introduces Sasha Luss in the title role.Anna is both written and directed by French filmmaker Luc Besson, of La Femme Nikita, Léon, The Fifth Element, Angel-A, Adèle Blanc-Sec, The Lady, Lucy, and Valerian most recently.

“Featuring music by Éric Serra. This has yet to premiere at any film festivals or otherwise. EuropaCorp will release Luc Besson’s Anna in theaters starting on June 21st, 2019 coming up this summer.”

That can’t come soon enough.


Let us know your thoughts on Anna up on our Facebook page!

‘No Chance’: The Ultimate Action Movie Sequel/Spoof to ‘Commando’

By
John Acquavita
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Arnold’s ‘Commando’ deserves the ultimate legacy that is ‘No Chance’ (2017)

Action movies from the 1980s are a special breed unto themselves. Not only did they elevate stars such as Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and others to otherworldly fame, they left permanent impressions on the psyches of those lucky enough to watch the films. An entire generation of movie-goers were motivated and inspired by the otherworldly exploits showcased by larger than life cinematic heroes.

Nobody among us would argue that 1985’s Commando should be etched permanently on the Mount Rushmore of action movies. It’s safe to assume you’ve not only seen this movie multiple times, but can recite lines from this classic off the top of your head.

On that last note, I highly suspect Jason Chilton is one such person. He wrote 2017’s highly entertaining No Chance, which is equal parts sequel and spoof to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando. (No Chance is now streaming for free on Amazon Prime.) But where Commando left off (with Schwarzenegger’s John Matrix responding “No chance” when his former commanding officer, Major General Franklin Kirby, asked if Matrix would be interested in rejoining the U.S. Army), No Chance picks up.

The 10 Best Arnold Schwarzenegger Ultimate Action Movies!

Meet John Manntrix

No Chance opens with a flashback to the events of Commando, albeit reenacted by its cast. However, due to copyright issues with the 1985 original, characters’ names have been slightly altered (Mantrixx; Chennie, Kerbey etc.). In the psychiatric ward of the Rambo Hospital — incarcerated with John McClane and John Rambo — John Manntrix learns his daughter Chennie is about to get married. However, he suspects something is awry and then uses his considerable brawn and skills to break out of the hospital.

Trust me when I tell you what follows is a humorous ride that will leave many UAMC readers sufficiently satisfied. What would one expect from an unofficial sequel to Commando? One-liners? Check. Gratuitous violence? Check and check. Continuity? Check, check and check. All of the following situations are explained and incorporated seamlessly into the script of No Chance: how Bennett survived being impaled by a steam pipe; how Sully walked away from being dropped off a cliff; what happened to the sons of the Val Verde ruler and the guy killed by a pitchfork, etc.

The Ultimate List of the Best Action Movie Hero Names

No Arnold, No Problem

What makes No Chance even more enjoyable is the lead character. While IMDB and the movie’s credits both list him as his character’s name “John Mantrixx,” whoever was in the role had a better than average resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger. But what made it even more enjoyable were his grunts, groans and mannerisms when fighting combatants and shooting weaponry. If you walked by the room and glanced at the TV while No Chance was playing, you’d think it was Schwarzenegger.

Another running joke that crept up a lot throughout No Chance was explaining Bennett’s fashion choices in battle and effeminate mannerisms. These were gold! I won’t get into any here for fear of spoilers, but needless to say, they were done. Speaking of spoilers …

UAMC Interview: ‘Commando Ninja’ Kickstarter Creator

‘Commando 2’ Delivers the Goods

SPOILER ALERT: Vernon Wells’ character of Bennett in the original film was half the fun of watching the movie. Perhaps no other time in the history of action movies has an antagonist been so overmatched against the protagonist (usually it’s the other way around). Somehow, someway, Wells was coerced into making an appearance in No Chance, and like in the original, absolutely eats up the scenery. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it’s an homage to his role in the 1981’s classic The Road Warrior.

In conclusion, should anyone reading this miss a golden opportunity to reminisce about Commando yet appreciate an update of sorts to this classic among classic?

NO CHANCE!

Let us know what you thought about No Chance on our Facebook page!

UAMC Reviews: ‘The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot’ (2018)

By
Iron Fist
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Sam Elliott embodies the legacies of the great men of action past.

If ever there was a title that sold a movie it was this one. What a batshit crazy concept. And it just arrived with little fanfare in VOD. I was wondering what I would get. Would it be the inspired insanity of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? Or would it be the missed opportunity of Bubba Ho-Tep. I am happy to report to you all that The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot transcended both movies and takes its place alongside the characters of Robert Duvall and Michael Cain from Secondhand Lions.

Have any of you ever wondered where our action heroes go to grow old? What are their lives like after they have won the war to end all wars, after they have saved the world for the unpatch time or rescued the damsel in distress? Well, here comes your answer.

Sam Elliot at His Finest

The hero of our tale goes by the name of Calvin Barr, played in his older years by Sam Elliott. He lives his life as many a septuagenarian does. He lives alone having outlived many of his peers. He wakes in the morning to eat a simple breakfast and takes his medication out of a plastic pillbox. He then meticulously dresses himself and heads into town to pass the day. His day ends in the local tavern sipping a whisky and reminiscing. But reminiscing about what?

Well, it turns out this old man is the killer of Hitler. Not the doppelganger killed in the bunker that only prolonged the war, but the actual Fuhrer. Turns out Calvin left behind a promising career in hat sales and his girl to enlist in the army to go off and fight the Nazis. Selected and trained by the US government, in his youth -played by Aidan Turner – he went behind enemy lines and infiltrated the Third Reich until the opportunity presented itself to kill the Fuhrer. 

It is said that Mr. Barr became a legend in certain circles with missions only hinted at. At some point in the intervening years, he returned to the town of his birth.  His girl has long since moved on and he has outlived most of his family and friends. Mr. Barr is just passing the days…

Until the government comes calling for one final mission he is uniquely qualified for. A deadly virus is about to jump species and patient zero is hiding in the Pacific Northwest. Everybody that has been sent has failed to return. Mr. Barr may be humanity’s last hope. Recognizing that a hero’s journey is never over, Mr. Barr gears up with a scoped rifle, a big ass knife and a genetic immunity to the virus, he sets off on the hunt. His target is the legendary creature known as The Bigfoot.

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The Legacy of Great Men

Sam Elliott may be the only 74 year old actor that can make you believe he can go Mano el Mano with Sasquatch. This was the man who mentored Dalton in Road House then went on to do the same with the Ghost Rider. He has literally appeared in every Western ever made.

The characters he portrays don’t hang out in any weight room. They are more likely found out riding his horse wrangling cattle and helping neighbors raise barns. A man’s man from a bygone era. When he was nominated for his first academy award last year, his response was “ It’s about fucking time.” This is a man who will give the noble Bigfoot the death he deserves.

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The Greatest Action Generation

Damn do I love this movie and this character. More than most in recent memory, it deserves a sequel. What was Mr. Barr doing in those years since WWII? Repelling an alien invasion at Roswell? Fighting Communists during the 1950’s. Founded the SEALs and Green Berets. Led the Bay of Pigs invasion. Warned about our involvement in Vietnam. The possibilities in filling in those missing years are endless.

This is a great movie to share with a parent or a grandparent. Let them regale you of tales of when men were men and what’s wrong with this generation. But the lesson all of us should take from this movie is that old man driving with his turn signal on or is counting change in the checkout lane used to be more of a badass then you will ever be. And you should give him a wide berth and the respect he deserves.

This author wishes to maintain his secret identity goes by the name of his favorite comic book hero Iron Fist. When he’s not collecting comics from his childhood, watching action movies or raising his three kids, he works a a police officer, trains Muay Thai, Jeet Kune Do, Kali and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Needless to say, he takes poor martial arts or sloppy gun handling skills personally. And he lives and trains in Chicago.

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